so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
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