If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Randomize
