the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
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