i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
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