rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
I forgot how hot balto sounded
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
Randomize
