The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
This boy just came into class wearing sperrys and a polo but also carrying a longboard. I'm unequivocably attracted to his level of doucheyness.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
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