someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
