He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
Randomize
