I just saw a hot homeless man
this boner is exhausting
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
Randomize
