we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
i get of class at 4. it takes me 17 minutes to walk home and 3 to load a bowl. thank you, priority registration.
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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