he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
