i already hear my dad disowning me
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
Haga you didnt jbsii whee wu an therer
Party on wayne
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
Update: it wasn't just our driver. This ticket confirms that the Royal Oak PD also found our behavior on the party bus to be "Lewd and Indecent."
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
Randomize
