I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
Randomize
