if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
All these guys look like the American Apparel version of Jesus...
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
Randomize
