The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
its like whenever the snow comes all the hott girls drop out of school. where are they
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
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