At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
She has the best kind of daddy issues
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
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