it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
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