Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
so far we have 6 big wheels and 10 boxes of wine for the tour de franzia. team drunkslut is favored to win the yellow jersey.
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
Although I commend your efforts to keep my penis away from her, your sister is now booty walking up my stairs. Good game though, good game.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
Randomize
