he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
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