my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
