I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
We succumbed to passion, and then he had to go meet his girlfriend. End of story.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
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