I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
I'm pretty sure "tag teaming" and "looking for stability" are not synonymous.
Not yet.
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
Randomize
