Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
Randomize
