I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
Randomize
