So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
I don't even know why I got my vag waxed
Ugh, tell me about it. As each day passes and the hair grows more, I get a little more depressed.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Randomize
