My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
Randomize
