Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
ok think of it like jelly beans. if you can learn to like the licorice ones, youll always have lots of them because no one else wants them. its the same with fat chicks
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
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