saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
