Mental picture: Us at a bar keeping it classy shot gunning PBR's in the corner.
That was a good example of when keeping it real goes right
He told me I took off my shirt, asked for the latino thunder and jumped on him. I want to question this but it sounds too much like me.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
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