I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
At least life still wants to fuck me.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
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