I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
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He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
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Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
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