I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
So much Jack, so little girl.
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
Randomize
