She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
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He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
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Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
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