Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Randomize
