once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
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