When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
