That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
i just made my gag reflex go away.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
we are still finding bottels filled with his pee. tom almost drank the one in the frig
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize