The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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