Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
A Bum and I jusst hugged. its not even 8 pm.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Randomize
