If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
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