I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
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