dude, that girl smelled worse than the great depression.
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
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He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
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