She went from zero to smokin in five shots
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
THE PICTURE OF PEPPERMINT MOCHA MADE ME WANT TO TOUCH MYSELF
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
We need a shit load of segways right now
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
