I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
Randomize
