im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
I saw the video from Saturday. So, how much did I drink for me to think I was a duck and strip my clothes?
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
Randomize
