Where is the hickey?
I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Randomize
