you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Randomize
