my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
4pm on a Sunday....roomate fucking like a wildabeast while I have a organic chemistry study group in my kitchen.
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
How does one acquire holy water?
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
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