Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Randomize
