you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
Randomize
