My booty call said shes done doing the walk of shame. Wtf is that?
It's what anyone that sleeps with you, specifically, does when they leave. Some do it even when they just think of you.
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Randomize
