3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
question: from what angle do you give a hand job. im confused..
he likes ron paul.... that's all i'm going to say....
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
Randomize
