I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
I know he is still a student. I am not asking if his being an underwear model makes it more ethical, just less prosocutable.
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
Randomize
