the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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