Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
Announcement: Given the sad circumstances regarding the death of my dearest friend Chong the Bong, there will be a brief memorial service for him tomorrow evening at 10:30 at my place. After sharing some memories and sending his spirit off to the great bowl in the sky, we will all take place in the commemoration and maiden voyage of his son, Chong Squared, who eagerly waits to meet all of you. High blessings to you all, piece be with you.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
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