I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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