I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
Randomize
