I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
Randomize
